The Half Life Horror From Hell
As you all know when I discover a film that is universally shit on, I do my best to find something redeemable in it, some saving grace, something to love about it, and most of the time I succeed. But sometimes It’s just full on shit..This has to be the first time when I both loved and hated a film in equal amounts!
DRACULA’S ORGY OF THE DAMNED starts off telling the tale of a young woman who visits a psychiatrist for help with her recent forced vampirism. You see, the woman was attacked by Dracula and forcefully turned into a vampire after being forced to watch the dark prince slaughter her family. The Psychiatrist calls an exorcist to rid her of the demon and then the young woman goes on a quest for revenge…at which point the film deteriorates into nonsense.
…This was one of those films where I actually enjoyed the majority and then it just went south out of nowhere.
Throughout the beginning of the film we had a delightfully dour narrator who frequently lost his fake English accent and actually managed to keep a straight face while telling this ludicrous tale.
Dracula looked less like the debonair soul seducer we’ve grown accustomed to and more like a rejected member of that horrible 90’s band Orgy with a touch of Boy George. He dresses in a cheap pleather shirt that’s clearly too small for him, sports a bald head and dribbles what I’m assuming is meant to be blood but looks allot more like cough syrup. The only place this guy could seduce anyone is at a gay bondage club with very unchoosy patrons.
The woman goes toe to toe with Dracula’s goons in a machine gun battle which was nothing short of hysterical, especially considering that the actress clearly had trouble even lifting the thing let alone firing it!
The special effects on display here was likewise hilariously inept resembling what we saw in the old Hercules tv show.
The acting…What acting!? It really seemed as if these people were told to act emotional in mundane scenes and completely wooden during emotional scenes. This had to be some of the worst acting I have ever seen! It’s a rare occurrence when Shawn C. Philips puts in the best performance in a film but I’ll be damned if he didn’t!
The story was all of the place and largely built up of complete nonsense, my favorite scene being a random “fight club” scene where women bumped into each other (while one of them wore an alien mask) and men cheered before our leading female showed up and just opened fire on them with round after round of machine gun blasts while screaming about how they were sick bastards, and all the bodies disappeared without explanation.
This film has absolutely nothing in common with the Hammer House type horror it tries to homage. Hammer was artsy, this was raw and obviously homemade, Hammer was dramatic, this was anticlimactic and silly, Hammer was sexy, this was…not. If anything I’d say this came across alot more like a parody of Hammer films then a homage.
I was full on in love with this film, I really was..and then it happened.
After the woman kills Dracula, rather then end the film on a great, and amazingly silly note, they instead veered off into a side story that wrecked the whole picture.
Instead of being quirky and bad, the acting (other then Shawn’s “acting”) became mean spirited, and downright vulgar
There’s not even an attempt at story in the second part of the film, which simply showcases a duo of girls on vacation in Europe (which looks exactly like upstate ny) Who then wind up staying with two of the least funny, most offensive racial sterotypes I’ve ever seen outside of a Tyler Perry Movie. They then run through a house after being led there by a guy in a skull mask (which they have no problem with) wiggle flashlights around and then run and scream in a Blair Witch fashion before the credits roll.. They did nothing whatsoever with the subplot of Shawn being bitten by a werewolf (there is a werewolf in the movie, but it’s obviously not him and what a shame..just picture a 400 pound werewolf…that would have been excellent!) and it really seemed like they had the film done and then realized how short it was and quickly filmed the final scenes as filler, and it was one of the dumbest possible moves they could have made!
I give this film one middle finger up, The first half is laugh out loud funny in an unintentional way and I would highly recommend checking it out with a bunch of buddies and even more brewskies..but after Dracula dies turn it off unless you want the entire experience ruined for you.
I’m a zombie film nut, i know i complain about the abundance of them nowadays and that most of them are shit, but it doesn’t change the fact that they are by far my favorite horror film monsters, and they also translate really well to comedy for some reason.
If i enjoy anything as much as i enjoy those undead cannibals it’s midgets, something about small people has always been entertaining to me, I’m aware that it’s not technically politically correct to take amusement in small stature but i can’t help myself, midgets just seem to make everything better, so when i saw that a film existed that incorporated both i got excited, really excited.
Midget Zombie Takeover follows a group of college students having a hot tub party, during a game of bat mitten their cock flys over the fence into the neighbor’s yard and the neighbor gives them a stern warning about the horror that will befall them, that they will be overcome and eaten alive by the “beasts” who crave human flesh. Sure enough soon after the warning is given the beasts in question show up and start snacking. Will the group survive? Will you want them to after witnessing the miserable bastards go out of their way to victimize and terrorize Billy the fat guy?
I went into this film really excited and left feeling a bit cheated to be honest. it’s not that i hated the film, i enjoyed it quite a bit, with some of the dumbest and ridiculous scenes and dialog i’ve ever witnessed it has what it takes to be a great Bad movie.It’s spot on with it’s jabs at the ridiculousness of the genre and the shabby writing that permeates so many of it’s entries
… .unfortunately it also has few things i found highly irksome. First and foremost, as a fat guy it really pissed me off to see these assholes terrorize Billy I rooted for him and him alone to survive, hell to feed these pretentious twats to the zombies, i don’t know if the point was to make me hate these kids or if the film makers just thought it would be funny but it wasn’t it was mean spirited and worse the jokes were tired and overdone to the extreme.
Another thing that made me want to punch holes in the walls was the overuse of the line “crazed freak zombies” i mean when one line dominates and overshadows everything else it’s too much, if the line was funny to start it would have gotten old fast but since it was annoying from the beginning it was just painful.
The biggest point against this little production was the zombies themselves, out of a group of about 10 only one of them was a midget, the others weren’t even all that short. The film makers did everything they could to mislead us into thinking the others were midgets as well, having all attacks take place at ankle level, but it doesn’t work, they could have at least had the other zombies put shoes on their knees and walk around that way or something… with all that said i still did enjoy this film and it did garnish more then a few chuckles.
I give this film one middle finger up It could be better and it has it’s flaws but overall it’s still a fun watch and will make a nice addition to your B-movie shelf. and i very much look forward to reviewing the rest of the films that Driving With Our Eyes Shut sent along with this one
Alot of people I’ve spoke to about Dead And Breakfast haven’t seen the film due to the fact that they dismiss it as “just another zombie movie” As I’ve said several times before there’s literally hundreds of zombie films coming out every day and the vast majority of them are pure shit same old same old. But in my humble opinion it’s criminal to even consider Dead and Breakfast a ZED at all.
DEAD AND BREAKFAST: follows six friends on their way to their mutual friend’s wedding, along the way They stop for gas and a rest in a small Texas town. At the gas station they meet a corny joke telling guitar playing singing gas station attendant, who tells them about a local bed and breakfast but also warns them about the strange man who runs it One of the group also meets a strange drifter who sucks on unlit cigarettes, in typical horror film fashion they ignore the warning and head on over to the place. on arriving they meet a very snooty french House man and the owner himself, who seems a tad strange but friendly enough. All seems pretty mundane until while eating a midnight snack, one of the group finds himself cutting into a pie with a knife that has been used to murder the House man. Soon after they find The owner near death of a heart attack, and he dies as well. When the police are called in they detain the friends, taking their van keys and forcing them to stay at the Bed and Breakfast until things can be sorted out. They also detain the drifter i mentioned earlier as he is for some reason, the main suspect for the murders. Bit this is only the beginning, it seems the owner of the bed and breakfast had a little bit of a secret, inside a small box in his room at the Bed And Breakfast is the spirit of a child, twisted and extremely angry from lack of love and compassion, and when one of the friends accidentally lets it loose, the real fun begins. As the spirit goes into the body of it’s releaser turning him into a sadistic wise cracking ghoul who’s victims become just like him. Soon we have a horde of these things as the entire town is taken over and no one is left but the sheriff, what’s left of the group of friends and the drifter to take them out or die trying.
With it’s use of both subtle humor and slapstick antics, gross out gore and the delightfully catchy song intervals from the cowboy gas station attendant and his band and it’s new twist on the age old possession story, Dead And Breakfast is a joy to watch from beginning to end, it’s Evil Dead meets Slither with a touch Oklahoma.
I must stress that this is a dark comedy about possession and not a zombie film at all. Zombies don’t speak, plan, build armies and spread themselves via magic.
If you’re a fan of the original Evil Dead films, i highly recommend this little forgotten gem, it pays homage to Evil dead immeasurably better then the horribly done mega million dollar remake, while simultaneously borrowing nothing and being an extremely well done dark comedy all it’s own.
I give it no middle fingers up. And hope to see similar films from director Matthew Leutwyler in the future
With more and more monstrous creatures washing up on beaches around the world it’s becoming more and more difficult to dismiss these things as simple naturally occurring mutations of nature. It’s becoming evident that there’s another evil afoot.. Genetic Engineering. Those ugly little words sane people try not to think about. Considering the large amount of dangers of science horror films out there it’s very surprising more horror films about the dangers of engineering don’t exist, With the plethora of killer animal movies growing as well it’s hard to find an animal that hasn’t been monsterfied yet, Sometimes you need to get ridiculous to be original like how’s about..Killer sheep?
Black Sheep tells the story of two brothers, Henry (a sufferer of severe Ovinaphobia, the irrational fear of sheep,who left home at a young age after his father’s death) and Angus ( a sadistically cruel mean spirited man, who’s harassment and cruel pranks caused Henry’s fear in the first place) Henry, upon his therapist’s advice returns home to sell Angus his share of the family sheep farm only to discover that Angus in getting with the times has built a lab on the property and with the help of a disgraced scientist is working towards genetically engineering the perfect sheep, along the way making plenty of mistakes and creating freaks of nature. When one particularly nasty (and miraculously alive) specimen (a surprisingly adorable monster sheep fetus that resembles Lamb Chop crossed with a Ghoulie) is stolen and mistakenly released by two bumbling would be do-gooder animal activists, things get really crazy as the creature runs amok biting sheep and turning them into vicious killing machines who’s bites turn humans into hideous giant weresheep. Now it’s up to Henry (who’s fear wasn’t so irrational afterall) Experience (one of the activists) and Tucker ( a farm hand and Henry’s childhood friend) to stop the wooly rampage.
When i saw the trailer for this film i was excited, expecting a hilarious horror parody that poked fun at films like Frogs, and Night Of The Lepus, that’s not what i got. Instead i found in this film a very subtle dark comedy/horror film with amazing mind blowing special effects, great acting and some genuine scares. The humor, rather then being up in your face and obnoxious like so many supposed horror comedy films is quiet and found in taking such a silly monster so seriously rather then dumb one liners or visual gags. Black Sheep is a true gem, an instant classic that sadly, since it’s 2006 release date hasn’t gotten nearly as much respect and reverence as it deserves. I give it two middle fingers cut off . It’s an absolute masterpiece of gory fun and a must have.
I’m a big fan of supposedly bad movies, especially the old creature features with the ridiculous rubber monsters. Films like Attack Of The Crab Monsters, Giant Leaches, and my personal favorite Killer Shrews. i even loved The Crawling Terror. As of late homages and supposed throwbacks are on the rise and like most genres there’s more poop in the bowl then fish, Don’t Let The River Beast Get You isn’t one of the turds.
Don’t Let The River Beast get you follows the story of Neil, a man returning home after a long term self induced exile after seeing a strange creature in the local river and not being able to convince anyone he was telling the truth. All Neil wishes to do at first is resume his career as an educator but when he runs into his old love interest and finds she’s about to marry an asshole because she thinks Neil is too crazy to marry he decides to team up with his friends and an acclaimed hunter to take down the beast once and for all.
Don’t Let The River Beast features one of the most amateurish and hilarious looking creatures i have ever seen. Looking like if the Creature From The Black Lagoon had been designed by the special effects artist behind the monster in Blood Freak.
The acting was bad (in some cases really really bad) but unlike most film makers that set out to make a films so bad it’s good these guys knew what they were doing and instead hired amateur non-actors and had them do their best. the end result was something like a weird hybrid of Troll 2 (yes i know i mentioned that film in the last review but this one really really has the feel with the badly choreographed fight and death scenes, weird shots of the woods and the acting as if the actors are reading Que cards) and the original IT’s Alive! (the creature feature not the killer baby film) ‘
The opening scene with the warning and the red light warning before each scene featuring the River Beast were a nice touch as well and The River Beast having his own catchy theme song during the credits was the icing on the already deliciously bad cake. The greatest thing about this movie was it was played completely straight with no indication that the film was meant to be a joke, something that Hollywood just can’t understand when they try to do something similar.
The only issue i had with the film was the sound. Most of the time the sound was good but there were moments where it bordered on inaudible. What i don’t understand is why this was left this way considered you can tell alot of the sound was redone in post (one particular scene the sound is completely out of sync but it’s done so sloppily and obviously that i have to assume it was done on purpose…and regardless if it was or not it was funny so it didn’t bother me)
Due to the sound problem i give this film one middle finger a quarter of the way extended. Other then the sound it’s perfect but in a film that’s largely driven by it’s ridiculously bad dialog sound is very important.
With all that said i still highly recommend you buy this film. It would go perfect on your shelf next to other gems like Isle Of The Damned and Lost Skeleton of Cadavera.
If given the opportunity i would gladly view and review all of this film maker’s films, i enjoyed this that much.
I’m not a big fan of Lionsgate “entertainment” to put it nicely, and with good reason considering amonst their titles are such shithouse movies as The Chair (literally a movie about a ghost chair) and tortur porn like the Saw and Hostile series. So when a friend suggested i watch and review Fido, a 50’s style zom-com, i was hesitant to say the least. As i said with DYZB Zombie films have become all the rage and 9 out of 10 are absolute shit nowadays. .. surprisingly Fido falls into that rare 1 perecent that isn’t.
FIDO follows the story of little Timmy. Timmy is a very lonely, socially aquard middle schooler living in a post zombie apocolyptical 1950’s America. The other kids hate him, his dad is embaressed of him and makes no time for him, and the neighbor hood bullies never miss a chance to harass and abuse him, just about everything in Timmy’s life sucks until his Mom decides it’s about damn time their family join the in crowd and get themselves a house zombie. You see when radioative space dust makes it so no one who dies stay dead a scientist creates shock colar-like devices, making them docile and obediant and creating a new industry. Timmy’s family up until now never joined the craze because his father was forced to kill his grandfather after he became a zombie, causing a deeply routed fear. Timmy soon becomes attached to their new zombie, giving it a name (Fido) playing catch and other games with it and Fido even protects poor timmy from the neighborhood bullies when the sadistic little bastards decide it would be fun to shoot him in the face at close range with an air riffle. But when Fido’s collar malfunctions after he is brutally beaten by a rotten old lady and he eats said old lady truning her into a zombie a new epidemic breaks out and it’s up to Timmy, Fido and Timmy’s mom to cover the whole thing up so the family won’t “disapear”
With vintage music, cars and style, mixed with goofy gore, dark humor. Fido views like My Dog Skip with Skip being replaced with Bub from Day of The Dead (in fact the title zombie looks quite a bit like Bub which i’m sure is no coincidence) Fido is a wonderful little film, more of a boy and his dog film with a zombie then a zom-com. the humor is subtle and never mean spirited and the film doesn’t even have foul language or nudity let alone graphic violence.
The film also serves as an awesome period piece and the willful ignorance and forced niceness of the 50’s works beautifully with the zombie angle for some reason, i think mostly because of how the working class was treated in that era, as we all know zombies make a great working metaphor for the working class…
i give this film no middle fingers up. i cannot recommend it enough, if you are looking for a zombie film the whole family can enjoy i can’t think of one i would recommend more. SEE THIS MOVIE!
How many of us horror nerds growing up always secretly wanted our own Jason? our own Freddy? our own…homicidal flamboyantly gay vegetarian spatula obsessed Dallas fan…? Well for best pals and horror nerds Onkey and Merv that’s exactly what happens!….almost.
With tag lines like “cheap, sick and offensive…i loved every minute of it”(-BBC radio 1 ) and “gratuitous nudity, gross-out gore, foul language, arse piranhas…” on the box i went into Beyond Therapy’s Freakout expecting , quite frankly, soft core porn and shit gore thrown together to make yet another insult in a long line of insults to the splatter-stick genre, or at best another mildly amusing mediocre English horror-comedy (of which there are now literally hundreds since the release of the standalone awesomeness of Shaun of the dead) What i found was quite different.
fist and foremost i must tell you if you’re planning on watching this film in hopes of seeing a peter Jackson-esque gorefest…don’t. you’ll be disappointed and you’ll be doing a great disservice to a cute and very endearing little film about friendship ,the fear and hesitation young people going from children to adults feel and the dangers of exploiting someone’s weirdness.
After being taunted to the point of mental breakdown as a kid our hero (the little looney) escapes from a mental institution to get his revenge on the school that housed his abusers only to find an empty fenced in lot (and a really bad obviously cardboard sign that somehow lasted longer then the school itself ) soon after he stumbles upon merv doody’s video rental card and decides (for reasons never explained) that it would be a good idea to go to his house and give him a good scare. Soon after the little looney finds himself the protege’ of Merv and his idiotic asshole friend Onkey who decide it’s a good idea to groom him to become the next jason. what follows is more and more ridiculous scenarios as the two idiots try (and mostly fail) to transform an annoying (yet strangely adorable) lover of show tunes into a hulking mass of pure evil. All is fun and games for the two dim witted exploiters until Little Looney discovers his liqueur muscles and lives up to expectations alittle too much.
Contrary to the misleading box quotes Freak Out is an essentially harmless and innocent films with nudity no worse then the likes of titanic and language no worse then ace ventura. the gore is sparse and purposely laughably fake.
this film should easily get a pg-13 rating (in fact in Canada it received the equivalent 14a rating ) I don’t see how anyone but southern baptists would find this offensive (who consequently run the MPAA ) i had no problem letting my children (who are 6 and 2 and big horror nerds just like yours truly) watch it without hitting fast forward once. Little Looney is by far the most loveable (and quotable) slasher of all time it’s really too bad they made sure he wouldn’t be back or the sequel (sorry not going to tell you why) Although a spinof with Little Looney’s soul in the Little Looney doll would certainly be epic.
there was some issues with unsmooth camera transition that resulted in some fuzzy screen scenes but that just added to the whole 80’s b-movie salute thing it had going on and Merv’s Grandma being a Deadite certainly got rid of any dubt i may have had about loving this movie. overall
i give it one middle finger a centimeter raised and only because they ruined any chance of a true sequel.
Zombie films are coming out literally daily at this point, and not the good kind either, it seems as if every asshole with a camera, some squibs, hamburger meat and red kyro syrup thinks he’s the next George A. Romero, the problem is it’s all been done zombies have gone to the hood, to space, to special school, they’ve crossed with vampires, become mutants, they’ve even been the hero. i had completely given up on a really great zombie film coming out…and still have really. Die You Zombie Bastards is not a great zombie movie…. what it is is complete and utter nonsense…AND IT’S FUCKING AMAZING!!!!!!
Not since Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead came out have i been this in love with a film. i did not stop laughing from the nearly unintelligible intro by Hasal Atkens to the end credits.
DIE YOU ZOMBIE BASTARDS!!!! tells the story of Red Tool and his wife Violet, an average and very in love couple, besides one thing…Red and Violet are cannibalistic serial killers and they’re the good guys! The bad guy is one Voklauf mummyhead von Nefarious the third. Nefarious ( who looks like the lovechild of skeltor, Michael Jackson and the wicked witch) kidnaps three explorers from hell island transforming them into (hilarious green skinned bug eyed purple haired and nippled) zombies with his zombitron and then proceeds to do the same to several other people trying to create his own army and eventually zombifiy the world. Nefarious and Red cross paths when Nefarious spots the couple on a couples game show and falls deeply in love with violet, kidnapping her and leaving his zombie henchmen to kill Red, but Red doesn’t go down that easy, with the addition of a red jumpsuit, yellow booties, a due rag, a cape made of human flesh and briefs with a severed human penis Red transforms himself into Redman and goes on an epic quest to get his wife back…
This film is by far the most fun movie I’ve seen in ten years, i hesitate to discuss any specific scenes in detail because i want others to see this the way i did, unprepared and skeptical. but one thing i will say is this, every character from Red and his wife to the police, to the pizza shop owners red visits in his quest are all absolutely insane, i think that’s what makes this film so great you can’t get a handle on it goes all over the place and relishes in it’s own stupidity and randomness and yet isn’t pretentious and annoying like today’s comedies are it has an air of innocence to it that brings to mind a three year old accidentally saying something ridiculous and invoking laughter without knowing why. It’s unassuming nature is refreshing and it’s originality is a god-send in our world of endless remakes and unneeded sequels.
Another great surprise this film came with is the recipe or one of the most surprisingly tasty pizzas I’ve ever made. In the pizza parlor scene i mentioned earlier Red orders what sounds like a very bizarre pizza ” burger, sausage,onion, cranberry, feta,feta feta!”
Granted when i made the pizza i twerked it a bit to make it what i consider a “real” pizza adding sauce and mozzarella but the outcome was amazing, so good in fact that I’ve decided to share the recipe with this review. for those interested here’s how you make DIE YOU ZOMBIE PIZZA!!! you’ll need a pizza crust (i used digorno because i was lazy and they’re good) a jar or can of pizza sauce, half a pound of hamburger 6 large breakfast sausage pattys, a pound of mozzarella, a medium sweet onion, half a pound of crumbled feta, and 2 cups of dried cranberries. cook the hamburger and breakfast sausage,preheat the oven a 400 degrees, cut the sausage into small pieces, put one third of the feta on the pizza crust, lightly apply desired amount of sauce on top of the feta, add one quarter pound of hamburger, and half the cranberries on top of the sauce, then add mozzarella, mince the onion and evenly distribute on top of that add remainder of hamburger, sausage, feta and cranberries and slide into oven. cook for 20 minutes or until crust is brown and all the cheese is melted and serve with a green drink.