Author: THE B-MOVIE AVENGER

How many of us horror nerds growing up always secretly wanted our own Jason? our own Freddy? our own…homicidal flamboyantly gay vegetarian spatula obsessed Dallas fan…? Well for best pals and horror nerds Onkey and Merv that’s exactly what happens!….almost.

With tag lines like “cheap, sick and offensive…i loved every minute of it”(-BBC radio 1 ) and “gratuitous nudity, gross-out gore, foul language, arse piranhas…” on the box i went into Beyond Therapy’s Freakout expecting , quite frankly, soft core porn and shit gore thrown together to make yet another insult in a long line of insults to the splatter-stick genre, or at best another  mildly amusing mediocre English horror-comedy (of which there are now literally hundreds since the release of the standalone awesomeness of Shaun of the dead) What i found was quite different.

fist and foremost i must tell you if you’re planning on watching this film in hopes of seeing a peter Jackson-esque gorefest…don’t. you’ll be disappointed and you’ll be doing a great disservice to a cute and very endearing little film about friendship ,the fear and hesitation young people going from  children to adults feel and the dangers of exploiting someone’s weirdness.

After being taunted to the point of mental breakdown as a kid our hero (the little looney) escapes from a mental institution to get his revenge on the school that housed his abusers only to find an empty fenced in lot (and a really bad obviously cardboard sign that somehow lasted longer then the school itself ) soon after he stumbles upon merv doody’s video rental card and decides  (for reasons never explained) that it would be a good idea to go to his house and give him a good scare. Soon after the little looney finds himself the protege’  of Merv and his idiotic asshole friend Onkey who decide it’s a good idea to groom him to become the next jason. what follows is more and more ridiculous scenarios as the two idiots try (and mostly fail) to transform an annoying (yet strangely adorable) lover of show tunes into a hulking mass of pure evil. All is fun and games for the two dim witted exploiters until Little Looney discovers his liqueur muscles and lives up to expectations alittle too much.
Contrary to the misleading  box quotes Freak Out is an essentially harmless and innocent films with nudity no worse then the likes of titanic and language no worse then ace ventura. the gore is sparse and purposely laughably fake.

this film should easily get a pg-13 rating (in fact in Canada it received the equivalent 14a rating ) I don’t see how anyone but southern baptists would find this offensive (who consequently run the MPAA ) i had no problem letting my children (who are 6 and 2 and big horror nerds just like yours truly) watch it without hitting fast forward once. Little Looney is by far the most loveable (and quotable) slasher of all time it’s really too bad they made sure he wouldn’t be back or the sequel (sorry not going to tell you why) Although a spinof with Little Looney’s soul in the Little Looney doll would certainly be epic.

there was some issues with unsmooth camera transition that resulted in some fuzzy screen scenes but that just added to the whole 80’s b-movie salute thing it had going on and Merv’s Grandma being a Deadite certainly got rid of any dubt i may have had about loving this movie. overall

i give it one middle finger a centimeter raised and only because they ruined any chance of a true sequel.

 

 

dieyouzombiebastards2

Zombie films are coming out literally daily at this point, and not the good kind either, it seems as if every asshole with a camera, some squibs, hamburger meat and red kyro syrup thinks he’s the next George A.  Romero, the problem is it’s all been done zombies have gone to the hood, to space, to special school, they’ve crossed with vampires, become mutants, they’ve even been  the hero. i had completely given up on a really great zombie film coming out…and still have really. Die You Zombie Bastards is not a great zombie movie…. what it is is complete and utter nonsense…AND IT’S FUCKING AMAZING!!!!!!

Not since Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead came out have i been this in love with a film. i did not stop laughing from the nearly unintelligible intro by Hasal Atkens to the  end credits.

DIE YOU ZOMBIE BASTARDS!!!! tells the story of Red Tool and his wife Violet, an average and very in love couple, besides  one thing…Red and Violet are cannibalistic serial killers and they’re the good guys! The bad guy is one Voklauf mummyhead von  Nefarious  the third. Nefarious ( who  looks like the lovechild of skeltor, Michael Jackson and the wicked witch) kidnaps three explorers from hell island transforming them into (hilarious green skinned bug eyed purple haired and nippled) zombies with his zombitron and then proceeds to do the same to several other people trying to create his own army and eventually zombifiy the world. Nefarious and Red cross paths when Nefarious spots the couple  on a couples game show and falls deeply in love with violet, kidnapping her and leaving his zombie henchmen to kill Red, but Red doesn’t go down that easy, with the addition of a red jumpsuit, yellow booties, a due rag, a cape made of human flesh and briefs with a severed human penis Red transforms himself into Redman and goes on an epic quest to get his wife back…

 

This film is by far the most fun movie I’ve seen in ten years, i hesitate to discuss any specific scenes in detail because i want  others to see this the way i did, unprepared and skeptical. but one thing i will say is this, every character from Red and his wife to the police, to the pizza shop owners red visits in his quest are all absolutely insane, i think that’s what makes this film so great you can’t get a handle on  it  goes all over the place and relishes in it’s own stupidity and randomness and yet isn’t pretentious and annoying like today’s comedies are it has an air of innocence to it  that brings to mind a three year old accidentally saying something ridiculous and invoking laughter without knowing why. It’s unassuming nature is refreshing  and it’s originality is a god-send in our world of endless remakes and unneeded sequels.

Another great surprise this film came with is the recipe or one of the most surprisingly tasty pizzas I’ve ever made. In the pizza parlor scene i mentioned earlier Red orders  what sounds like a very bizarre pizza ” burger, sausage,onion, cranberry, feta,feta feta!”

Granted when i made  the pizza i twerked it a bit to make it what  i consider a “real” pizza adding sauce and mozzarella but the outcome was amazing,  so good in fact that I’ve decided to share the recipe with this review. for those interested here’s  how you make DIE YOU ZOMBIE PIZZA!!! you’ll need a pizza crust (i used digorno because i was lazy and they’re good) a  jar  or can of pizza sauce, half a pound of hamburger 6 large breakfast sausage pattys, a pound of mozzarella, a medium sweet onion, half a pound of crumbled feta, and 2 cups of dried cranberries. cook the hamburger and breakfast sausage,preheat the oven a 400 degrees, cut the sausage into small pieces, put one third of the feta on the pizza crust, lightly apply desired amount of sauce on top of the feta, add one quarter pound of hamburger, and half the cranberries on top of the sauce, then add  mozzarella, mince the onion and evenly distribute on top of that add remainder of hamburger, sausage, feta and cranberries and slide into oven. cook for 20 minutes or until crust is brown and all the cheese is melted and serve with a  green drink.

Die You Zombie Bastards is a platinum boat in a sea of shit, my. so good that no middle fingers up isn’t a good enough rating  i give it two amputated stubs. i hope this isn’t the last we’ve seen from Zombastic.
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Pink Eye follows the story of Edgar, a man who as a young boy came down with a disorder that first caused his eyes to become red and puffy. the doctor diagnosed it as pink eye but soon after the diagnoses the disease causes Edgar to manifest painful deformities. his mother cared for him as best she could but when she died Edgar was put into an insane asylum where the vile way he is treated and the drugs he’d being given combine to transform him into a a violent pissed of creature of vengeance. Meanwhile the other patients are doing shocking  things to themselves, and Edgar, otherwise a mindless poetry spouting killing machine has unleashed them upon the unsuspecting  orderlies and doctors…what is the cause of all this madness?

…..What i really would like to know is what is all the hype about this film? i mean seriously, what is essentially a mediocre (at best) generic horror “thriller” has been boosted to the level of legend with reviews like “vicious&and disgusting,,,a lingering nightmare”(killer reviews) and “very graphic, cringe-worthy,pleasantly Gorey” (fatally yours) first of all it is obvious (at least to me) that they spent the entire budget on a scene in which a young woman rips her eyes from their sockets out of fear that there are ants beneath them, while the scene is pretty Gorey it is far from as great as they make it out to be and it angers me that they begin the film with a scene like this and then quickly settle in to Hollywood-like watered down ill conceived gore that not only seems to have nothing to do with the plot (aside from the unthoughtout side plot of an evil corporation paying the nuthouse o give the Patience and some homeless people and junkies PCP for no apparent reason) but was so generic it literally could have been clipped from bullshit cookie cutter Hollywood horror films and simply slid in and no none would know the difference.

We don’t see Edgar’s face ever in the film (although we do see enough of Edgar’s eyes to tell that they were too lazy to even put pink contacts on the actor) his Poe quotes have absolutely no significance to the scenes they occur in, and the only reason you’ll be surprised at all when you watch this film is because it’s largely nothing but nonsense built up by a poor script, and bad acting.

The people who put this film together purposely went  out  of their way to market to fans of the slasher/gore genre, going out of their way to put the only truly Gorey scenes on the cover and back of the DVD and (most likely) paying reviewers to focus on this one scene  in an attempt to sell a shitty subpar thriller to an unsuspecting fan base, banking on us being stupid and needing less plot and worse acting then a porno has to make us happy. for those of us who grew up with the amazingly gorey, delightfully corny, original, truly independent movie distributors like Troma, Full moon, and Brain Damage this film is a smack in the balls with  a ballpein hammer…to sum it all up Pink Eye wreaks of money hungry corporate brown eye…buy Big Gus whats the Fuss instead, you’d be more entertained even by that peace  of shit.

I give this films more then two middle fingers up i give it 2 middle fingers, two middle toes and shout fuck you into it’s ears. It should be in the dollar store next to Glitter and Scary movie 4